FROM OLD JOURNAL- I’VE GOT FTP IN MY HANDS

there!

FROM OLD JOURNAL

There must be somewhere out of here
said the joker to the thief

…and it seems like it’s true.

I had problems with the Whole, so I focused on particulars. I cut reality in very small pieces and they became harmless.
I had problems with my personal view of the world, so I put a camera between my eyes and the truth.
I’ve been taking pictures all night long. Tons of pictures (Hip hip hooray for digital cams).

(here there should have been pictures, but I screwed up FTP…)

Then I was able to write a lot.
Writing is something like a thermometer for my mental sanity: if I feel miserable I cannot write a word and this makes me feel even worse.
I need to grow the pain inside me until it becomes big enough to be delivered. And this comes with lot of crying-screaming-sweating-and-bleeding, just like every other birth.

Writing in here is cool, but it’s not quite the same. No paper you can feel under your hand, no cramps to my fingers, no Italian language.
English has got the same function of my camera. It’s a way to put a filter between me and the world around.
It clears my mind because I need to carefully choose the words and put them together; I need to check if the meaning is the same in English and Italian. (and I need to check spelling all the time. This is from the moment I began an important letter writing “Good mourning”:-)))
But if everything is doing fine between my ears, Italian is THE language. I can create new worlds around the person who is reading and rebuild the whole concept of time and location.
I can decide if that person will laugh or cry. I can hurt that person.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to do the same in every language…

FROM OLD JOURNAL

I need more art in my life. Everything I do seems pointless, I just cannot do something just because I’m supposed to do it.
Today I was really feeling like quitting school.
What’s the point in wasting my time for a degree, when everything I learn is within me and no piece of paper can certificate it?

I think I’m a good cheater: people think I’m clever and this gives me their respect and high marks.
But I’m afraid that someday someone will come into my life and ask me to show the real me.
I’ll do my little show and this person will laugh at me. This person won’t think that I’m brilliant. This person will look into my eyes and see the whole truth, and I’ll be lost.
That is why I should be prepared. Because the subject of this test won’t be any academical shit. I’ll be tested on life, and if I don’t pass this test, I will have to kill (or marry) this person.

So now if I say that I want quit school people laugh. I’m one of the best of my course, why should I quit?
Because this is not enough. What I’m doing now is second-rate. Is sitting in front of the fan with eyes shut and pretend I can fly because of the air in my face.
And it can’t be enough for me that other people cannot even use a fan.
I need to fly, but I know that I’ll probably fall.

The Mental Circus takes a bow and thanks you for being here tonight.
Sara

FROM OLD JOURNAL

… five more minutes and I log off. Promise.

FROM OLD JOURNAL- NO BEER AND NO TV MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY

Should I call this thing I’m doing a job?
I have something like one million pieces of paper with names and addresses. And I must fill them in into an Access database.
A trained monkey could do it, as well as I do. And maybe enjoy this a little bit more.
The other two jobs I’ve got aren’t that bad, but I’ll be paid in a billion years. And I need money NOW.
This is what you get when you play the “indipendent-girl-pays-her-bills” game.

This game sux.

Rulez are easy: you get a job, you study, you keep you marks high (so you get a scholarship), you try to squeeze in a decent sex life and then you put on a nice smile and lift your finger at people asking why you sound nervous and why you just cannot do them this little favour while they are having holidays somewhere in the hole of the world (stinky but expensive hole of the world)…
“… after all you only draw and play computer games in your school, isn’t it? This is not real studying, isn’t it?”

Well.
Well. Well. Well. Wall. Wall. My head bouncing on the wall. Wall. Wallet. Wallet. Wallet. Empty wallet.
I’m back to work.

FROM OLD JOURNAL

Roby’s back!
He bought a new mega-toy (yeah,yeah. he says it’s not a toy), and now he’s playing in the bedroom, most concentrated.
A couple of pictures to witness that.

by the way. The house is sparkling clean, I haven’t done any of my homework yet, but it’s been a nice day.
This probably means that I’ll be working this night. Probably. Maybe not
I don’t want to spend my nights in front of the computer any more…and what for? Just to say I’ve done my Flash movies.
Bah.

FROM OLD JOURNAL

Homework (my stupid school leads people to cover themselves with paint and hit a huge paper).
I’m going to finish this, but not now…

FROM OLD JOURNAL

Uff…
Last night I’ve been eating a lot, and I didn’t stop when I had enough.
It never happened to me before, I feel quite sick. BLEAHHH
I was so sick that right after ten minutes I fell aspleep and woke up this morning.

FROM OLD JOURNAL

Oh, my.
I really should STOP and be a good girl.
I’ve been spending all this time reading people’s journals, and it is addicting.
HELP
Someone should cut my telephone cables…
fast
Bruko

FROM OLD JOURNAL

Right now I should be studying, or at least cleaning our house (that looks a little too much like a refugee camp); instead I’m here in front of my faithful computer, playing with my brand new toy.

Milan was horribly crowded today. I went out because I wanted to buy Winnie the Pooh earflaps, but the only place I saw it a couple of days ago… it was over (

I’ve been desperately looking for earflaps in almost every store in Milan, but everybody tells me the same thing: earflaps are not fashionable this year, so they don’t give a damn if I freeze my ears.
By the way, even tights are out, at the moment, and you can see those girls wearing skirt WITHOUT tights even if it’s dead cold, outside.

But the worst part was being among those people who were buying things just because they could do it, without even looking at the price.
Like it? Take it!
I’m fed up with being poor.
Bruko

To all of my friends across the ocean

(and to everyone else who’s there as well)
I’m shocked.
I’m really shocked about the things that has happened yesterday. I was at work and we tried to keep informed on the Internet, but it wasn’t until last night, when I turned on the TV that I realized what has happened.

I’m wih you all. And distance doesn’t make things less horrible.